Kit Stinson - On Generosity
In a recent Sunday service, the Beacon community considered philanthropy and – in a larger sense – generosity. During virtual coffee hour, we were invited to share the memory of a treasured gift someone gave us; that gift could be material, spiritual, emotional … in appropriate UU spirit, we weren’t to be constrained by definitions.
I remembered a gift my mother gave me in the form of a story. She told me about a childhood friend who habitually did this: Whenever someone complimented something this young woman owned, she would promptly give it to her admirer. (I suppose in the case of clothing being worn, it might have been a little less promptly.)
My mother wasn’t a generous person. In fact, I never saw her freely give anything to anyone. But somehow her friend’s practice made a powerful impression on her, maybe because it spoke to her of a kind of person she wished she could be.
It made a powerful impression on me, too. As soon as I reached an age and stage to own things other people admired, I started giving those things away to the people who admired them.
Soon I understood that there was a second part of my mother’s gift: the realization that my generosity was making the recipients very uncomfortable. In some cultures, I have learned, this practice is understood, accepted and encouraged. Growing up in the Summit of the 1950s and ‘60s, though, my friends weren’t from such cultures. They felt obligated to reciprocate. They worried that I might be depressed. They started to bite their tongues rather than give me a compliment. So I stopped.
These days, I have picked up the practice again, with – I hope – more selectivity and sensitivity to situations and the other people involved. I also try to find less unsettling ways to be generous, and I give anonymously when I can.
I am grateful for my mother’s complex gift, both the original practice and the reminder that true generosity must honor the recipient even more than the giver. Sometimes, I guess, ‘tis a gift to be a little less simple.